Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
