sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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