I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
