I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.