My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
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she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.