i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
