hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
