Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
