I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
