I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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