I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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