I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
we should paint friendship bongs
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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