you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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