when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
