I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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