God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
