70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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