well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Still dying that you shit outside
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
