you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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