i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
People in love make me want to vomit
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
