Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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