How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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