I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
