There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
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You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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