I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
