i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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