I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
