And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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