Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
