i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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