She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
