Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
