I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
