I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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