I feel great
I just peed on a car
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
