Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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