Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
