Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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