That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
