I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
