My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
