I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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