I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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