Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
