im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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