I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
