I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
