All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
