Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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