I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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