When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
