My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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