and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize