booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize