She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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