I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
ok first of all what the fuck
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
