All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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