Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
