If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Bring me that man meat
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
